Jerry Springer: Wizard Style
by SillyAndSirius
Summary: I think the title explains itself... lots of Jerry-type drama. Very funny fic!
1. Episode 1

Okay, this is just a stupid idea I came up with one day. It seems like it would be a one chapter FanFic, but I WILL BE UPDATING IT! Thanks!

Disclaimer: No I do not own Jerry Springer and or related characters. I also do not own Harry Potter and or related characters. (Although sometimes I wish I owned Sirius. wink wink)

ALSO: I know that this isn't the correct type of writing or anything, but that's how they really talk on Jerry Springer!

Ch 1: Episode1: "Will you get out of my life?!"

Jerry Springer music in background.

Crowd: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Jerry Springer: "Hello everybody and welcome to Jerry Springer! Today our guests are here to tell people their stalkers to go away! Our first guest is a young lady by the name of Lily Evans, who says that one of her classmates, James Potter, is practically obsessed with her. And here she is!"

Jerry Springer music. Crowd clapping.

Jerry Springer: "Hello Lily, and how are you doing today?"

Lily: "Good, thanks. And you?"

Jerry Springer: Good, good. Now, why are you here today?"

Lily: "Well, there's this guy that goes to my school, James Potter, and he's practically obsessed with me. He follows me around all the time, and asks me to go out with him at least 3 times a week."

Jerry Springer: "And what's so bad about that?"

Lily: "He's a player. He sleeps with a different girl every week, and he's only 16! All he wants from me is a couple of good snogs, a jump on a bed, and to add me to his list of girls like a trophy! I'm sorry, but I think that a man needs to appreciate me more than that!"

Woman in crowd: You know thas right, gurl!"

Jerry Springer: "And you're here to tell him that?"

Lily: "Yes."

James Springer: Then lets bring him out! Everybody, here's James Potter!"

Jerry Springer music.

Crowd: Booooo! Boooo!

James doesn't say anything, just calmly walks down the stairs and sits down.

Jerry Springer: "Hi there James!"

James: "Hi"

Jerry Springer: "I think Lily has something to say to you."

Lily: "James, you need to get out of my life! I've told you a million times, but it never seems to get that thick skull of yours! I'm sick and tired of you always following me around, even though you know that I'm never going to go out with you!"

James stares at his feet.

Jerry Springer: James, do you have anything to say?"

James looks up with watery eyes.

James: "Lily, I know that I probably have about the worst impression of all the guys in the school to you, but it was all a mistake. I really like you Lily! I thought that you might notice that I don't follow any other girls around. That I haven't had a girlfriend for two months. That I don't want anybody but you Lily, not anybody! I want so bad to be able to call you my Flower, to be able to tell you I love you every second of every day! And I only want you to understand. Please Lily, please!"

Now it was Lily's turn to stare at her shoes.

Lily: "I cant, James, I just cant."

James: "But why?"

Lily: "Because I don't want to be used by you. It scares me. I just can't trust you. Not yet."

Their eyes meet and stay locked.

Jerry Springer: "Well, it s time for a commercial, but we'll be right back!"

Now it's the end of the show, and people in the audience are making comments.

Person in audience: I have a comment about Lily and James. Lily, gurl, he really is sincere. He's telling the truth, or else he wouldn't be getting that emotional. I just hope that you realize that and at least give him a chance.

Crowd: "Whooooo!"

Jerry Springer: "Well, that's all the time we have for today. I hope that you all get your relationships sorted out, good luck to ya!"

SO?!!! Please Review!!!!!!!!!!! Suggestions are welcome! I need more ideas!


	2. Episode 2

Hello all my FanFiction homies!! Hehe I am SOOOO sorry that it took me so long to update this, but I had to have a little cough-large-cough break. Now I am back and ready for action!! (Not to mention reviews!!) Now, hurry up and read so that I can get some reviews!

Ch. 2: Episode 2: Long-Lost-Lovers Seek Revenge

Jerry Springer music in background.

Announcer: And now, the worst show in the history of television, amazingly in its 13th season, JERRY SPRINGER!!!!!

Crowd: JERRY, JERRY, JERRY, WHOOOOOOO!!!

Jerry Springer: Good Morning, and welcome to Jerry Springer, the only show where you can see a good fight and two naked lesbos in one day!

Crowd: laughs.

Jerry Springer: On today's show, we have long-lost-lovers coming back to seek revenge. Our first guest is a woman by the name of Minerva McGonagall, who was brought here by an anonymous person. Lets bring her on out!

Music in background, while crowd cheers as McGonagall walks out and sits down.

Jerry Springer: Hello Minerva. Do you have any idea why you're here today?

McGonagall: Not the slightest.

Jerry Springer: Are there any past loves that you can remember that might want you back?

McGonagall: Only one, but he would never come back for me. And if he did I would immediately say no.

Jerry Springer: Oh really? Well, here he is!

More Jerry Springer music while crowd cheers. Voldemort walks out, earning a giant gasp from McGonagall. (Incase u hadn't noticed, all the people in the audience are muggles, so they don't know who Voldemort is)

McGonagall: But, but, but-

Voldemort: I have come back to receive my one and only true love.

McGonagall: I told you before, it's over.

Voldemort: But my dear, why not come with me? We could rule the world _together._

McGonagall: NEVER! And plus, I am in love with a different man, and have been for 25 years.

Crowd gasps.

Voldemort: Who?!!! Not-

Mcgonagall: Yes, Dumbledore!!

Dumbledore walks out, and the crowd emits many boos.

McGonagall runs to him and starts frenching him like woo.

Voldemort: AAARRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Voldemort jumps towards Dumbledore but is stopped by Steve.

Dumbledore: I love her with all my heart, and I'm never letting her go! You deserted her to go become an evil-stinky-poopeyhead-ugly-wannaruletheworld-er!!!

Voldemort: I HATE YOU!!!

Dumbledore: WELL I HATE YOU MORE!!

Both jump towards eahchother and are barely kept from killing eachother by Steve and the rest of the big scary dudes. Once done Voldemort emerges with a bloody nose and Dumbledore with a black eye. Both's clothes are ripped to pieces, and Dumbledore is missing his pants.

McGonagall: Ooo, I like you like that Dumbledore!

Jerry Springer: So, is there nothing between you and Tom anymore?

McGonagall: Nothing. I don't care if I never see him again.

Voldemort starts to cry and runs off stage.

LATER

Person in crowd: I wanna say that Minerva, you picked the right man!!

Crowd "WHOOO's"

Dumbledore smiles and flexes his muscles.

Other person in crowd: I just want some Jerry Beads!!!

Person flashes crowd.

Jerry Springer: Well, thank you very much! Just a little hint of advice to some of our guests: If one partner in a relationship isn't satisfied, let them go! If u don't, it could hurt both of you. Thanks, and I'll see you on tomorrows show!


	3. Episode 3

Hello again! I'm so happy that this story actually gets some reviews! collects roses from screaming fans lol But lately I've run out of ideas, and no I am NOT going to have Hermione and Ron hook up! Sorry peoples, but noooo way! If you have any other ideas please tell me, cause I'm desperate for 'em!

Ch 3 Episode 3:

Jerry Springer music in background

Crowd: JERRY JERRY JERRY!

Announcer: And now, the worst show in the history of television, amazingly in its 13th season… JERRY SPRINGER!

Crowd: WHOOOOO!!

Jerry Springer: Hello there, and welcome to today's show. We will be having several guests who think they can sing, but their friends say they can't. Our first guest says that his best friend can't sing at all, and he's here to prove it! Here he is, James Potter!

James walks out while waving at crowd.

Jerry: Hey James. So, you say that your friend can't sing? How bad, exactly, is he?

James: Bad. I even saw him break a mirror once. Literally.

Jerry: Wow. So he can't sing and he's ugly.

James: That's about right.

Crowd laughs

Jerry Springer: Well, lucky us, we get to hear him sing today!

James: Do you mind if I leave the building during that part of the show?

Jerry Springer: I'm sure we all wish we could. Lets bring him out! Sirius Black!

Crowd: WHOOOOO!

Sirius walks out and sits down in a chair beside James.

Jerry Springer: Hello Sirius.

Sirius stares at the cameras.

Jerry Springer: Sirius?

Sirius sits and stares at the cameras more, then jumps up and starts screaming and bouncing around yelling "Oh my god I'm on Jerry Springer! Oh my god I'm on Jerry Springer!" James watches in disbelief, then buries his head in his hands.

After Sirius calmed down:

Jerry Springer: So, I guess you never really wanted to be on Jerry Springer then?

Sirius: It's been my life objective.

Jerry Springer: James says that you can't sing. Is this true?

Sirius stares at the cameras. Just when he's about to jump up and start screaming, James grabs him and whispers something in his ear. Sirius calms down and acts cool.

(James had whispered "Imagine all those hot girls out there that are gonna see you making such a complete fool of yourself. Twice.")

Sirius: Well, we all have our different opinions. I say that I can sing perfectly well. I might even try out for Wizard Idol.

Jerry Springer: Then show us what you've got!

Sirius steps up on a small platform and the music to Britney Spears "I'm a Slave for you" starts playing.

Sirius: I know I may be young  
But I've got feelings too  
And I need to do what I feel like doing  
So let me go and just listen

All you people look at me like I'm a little girl cough-boy  
Well did you ever think it'd be okay for me to step into this world  
Always saying, "little girl cough-boy don't step into the club"  
Well I'm just tryin' to find out why cause dancing's what I love

Can you get it, get it get it, whooah  
Can you get it, get it get it, whooah (Do you like it)  
Can you get it, get it get it, whooah (This feels good)

I know I may come off quiet  
I may come off shy  
But I feel like talking  
Feel like dancing when I see this guy cough-chick

What's practical is logical  
What the hell, who cares?  
All I know is I'm so happy when you're dancing there

(starts crawling on floor in a sexy way)

I'm a slave for you  
I cannot hold it  
I cannot control it  
I'm a slave for you  
I won't deny it  
I'm not trying to hide it

Crowd: WHOOOOOO!!!

Sirius walks off stage and sits in chair.

Jerry Springer: Well, that was…. different. Ok now we need to have the crowd vote. We have a "Volume Meter" that will measure your claps. Now please realize that this is NOT judged on looks, but actual singing abilities. So lets hear what you think!

Crowd: Whoo!

Jerry: And our meter says that's a… 4!

Sirius jumps up and starts cussing out the crowd.

Sirius: What the BEEP?! You BEEP mother-BEEP cant even BEEP give me a BEEP five?! I'm not even BEEP half-way good enough for your stupid BEEP?! This is BEEP!

Steve restrains Sirius.

_Commercial Break_

Jerry Springer: Welcome back! Our next guest says that her boyfriend only sings in private, but she wishes that he sang in public just so somebody would… (to manager quietly) does this say "curse him back to the first Warlocks Singing Convention? Hmm… (to crowd) curse him back to the first Warlocks Singing Convention! Here she is, Pansy Parkinson!

Jerry Springer music in background.

Crowd: WHOOOOO!

Jerry Springer: Hey Pansy, how are you doing today?

Pansy: Ok, you?

Jerry Springer: My ears are hurting a little, but other than that, I'm good.

Pansy: Then you might want some earplugs.

Jerry Springer: You're saying this about your _boyfriend_?!

Pansy: (shrugs) I like the truth.

Jerry Springer: Well lets see how your boyfriend feels about that!

Draco Malfoy walks out.

Crowd: WHOOOO!

Jerry Springer: So, do you think you can sing?

Draco: HELL YEAH!

Jerry Springer: Let the show begin!

Draco walks up onto the small platform and the music for "I'm too sexy for myself" starts playing.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts."

(Rips off shirt.)

"I'm too sexy for my pants, too sexy for my pants, so sexy it hurts."

(Rips off pants)

"I'm too sexy for my underwear, too sexy for my underwear, so sexy it hurts…"

(Rips off underwear)

Crowd gasps and starts whistling and cheering.

Jerry: Now remember this is on voice, not… proportion. Looks down his pants sadly

Jerry: And the crowd gives that a 10!

Pansy: He never sang like that for me!

A crowd of screaming girls fills the stage.

_ Commercial Break_

Jerry Springer: Our third guest today has brought one of his employs on the show. He says that "when he sings the Mirror of Erised quivers." So here he is, Albus Dumbledore!

Jerry Springer music in background.

Crowd: WHOOOOO!

Jerry Springer: Nice to see you again, Albus!

Albus: The same to you.

Jerry Springer: So what brings you back to our show?

Albus: Well, one of my employers frequently shuts himself in his room and tries to sing, unsuccessfully of course. I can hear him all the way up in my office, and the students are always complaining about "That ghoul singing the Beach Boys." It sounds funny until u have to live with it for a while.

Jerry Springer: I see….. Well lets bring him out! Here's Severus Snape!

Severus Snape walks out.

Crowd: WHOOOOO!

Snape sits down in a chair and looks at the cameras distastefully.

Jerry Springer: Hello there Severus! How are you doing today?

Severus: Could be better. Being taken onto a muggle show because your vocal cords are wanted by everyone is not exactly how I planned on spending my day.

Jerry Springer: I understand that. Now what's this about an incident involving a pink thong and a razor?

Snape blushes brightly and starts muttering spells in the direction of Dumbledore, who is gazing cheerfully at the cameras.

Jerry Springer: How about you go ahead and perform?

Snape walks onto the small platform and the music to Patsy Clines "Crazy" begins playing.

Severus: (Sways back and forth in rhythm to song)

Crazy

Crazy for feeling so lonely  
I'm crazy  
Crazy for feeling so blue

I knew  
You'd love me as long as you wanted

And then someday  
You'd leave me for somebody new

Crowd: BOOOO!

Steve and company drag Severus off the stage.

Jerry Springer: I'm sorry to tell you this Severus, but the crowd gives that a…..10….. murmers to manager I could've sworn that said 1…..

Albus looks at Severus, who sighs.

Jerry Springer: Sorry about that Severus, you actually made a 1.

A single tear falls down Severus' face.

_Commercial Break_

Our final guest today has brought his two best friends to our show. He says that the combined forces of them are truly horrifying, and he only hopes that this will help them see that. Here he is, Mr. Harry Potter!

Jerry Springer music in background.

Crowd: WHOOOOO!

Harry walks out and waves at crowd.

Jerry Springer: Welcome to our show Harry! What brings you here?

Harry: What I like to call the Cacophony Couple.

Jerry Springer: These are your two best friends, right?

Harry: Yeah, but not for long if they keep singing like that.

Jerry Springer: Let's see if they're as bad as you say they are. Here Ron and Hermione!!!

Ron and Hermione walk out. (Ron is in big baggy jeans and a jersey with lots of "bling" and Hermione is in a tight jumpsuit with "pimpin'" written on the butt and boobs)

Harry looks at them funny.

Jerry Springer: Hello Ron and Hermione!

Ron cuts him off. It's Lil' Ronnie and Missy Granger.

Jerry Springer: Right….. Do you think your best friend is right?

Ron: Bloody Hell no!

Jerry Springer: Then go up there and prove him wrong!

Ron and Hermione walk onto the small stage and the music for Ciaras "Goodies" begins playing.

Ron: got a sick reputation for handlin broads  
All I need is me a few seconds or more.  
And in my rap  
Tell valet to bring my 'Lac  
And I ain't comin back  
So you can put a car right there.  
I'm the truth  
And ain't got nothin' to prove.  
An you can ask anybody  
Cuz they seen me do it.  
Barracades, I run right through 'em  
I'm used to 'em.  
Throw all the dirt you want it's no use.  
You still won't have a pinup in a fabulous room  
On her back pickin' out baskets of fruit.  
(I love you boo)  
Yeah freak and Petey love you too.  
Ha Ha  
You know how I do…

Hermione: You may look at me and think that I'm  
Just a young girl  
But I'm not just a young girl.  
Baby this is what I'm lookin' for:  
Sexy, independent, down to spend it type that's gettin' his dough  
I'm not bein too dramatic that's the way I gotta have it.

(Chorus: Ciara)  
I bet you want the goodies.  
Bet you thought about it.  
Got you all hot and bothered.  
Mayb' cuz I talk about it.  
Lookin for the goodies  
Keep on lookin' cuz they stay in the jar  
Oh-oh Oh-oh Oh-oh Oh-oh

Crowd: **WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!**

Jerry Springer: Well, I guess that decides it! Hermione and Ron, you win!!!

Harry looks flabbergasted.

Crowd: **WHOOOOOOOOO!!!!**

The rest of the guests pour onto the stage and start dancing while Hermione and Ron start singing again.

YAY! Ok, I think that TOTALLY ROCKS!!! Hope you agree. That's the biggest Ron and Hermione match up ya'll are gonna see, so I hope you enjoyed it!! You know what, why don't you tell me how much you enjoyed it! In a review, perhaps? Yes I think that's a VERY good idea!


	4. Episode 4

Hello! I know it's been a long time since I updated, but I had serious writers block! Thanks to GlitterGreen I have recovered and am able to write this chapter. Remember, your suggestions and compliments are what keep this story going!

Ch. 4: Episode 4: My Babies Daddy

Jerry Springer music in background.

Crowd: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Announcer: And now, the worst show in the history of television, amazingly in its 13th season… JERRY SPRINGER!

Crowd: WHOOOOOOO!

Jerry Springer: Hello, and welcome to Jerry Springer. Today our guests have serious problems on their hands. The outcomes of this show will not only change their lives, but their children's. Our first guests today are all having problems with one man. When they found out that they were all having trouble with him, they decided to take action. So here they are, Cindy Jones, Olive Green, Candice Cornwell, and Jennifer Kline!

Crowd: Whoooo!

Cindy, Olive, Candice, and Jennifer walk out.

Jerry Springer: Hello girls! Do you mind telling us why you're on Jerry Springer?

Cindy: Well, it's quite a long story.

Jennifer: But we can tell it, even if it is very emotional. (Tears swell up in her eyes)

Candice: Girl, we need to get this off our chests! You see Jerry, we know this playa, and he got us all to screw him. And then we all got pregnant.

Olive: The thing is, he continuously denies it. We want to solve this horrible problem.

Jerry: I see. And what will you do if he isn't the father of any of your babies?

Candice: Honey, that aint going to happen.

Crowd: Whoooo!

Jerry: So you expect him to pay for all of your children?

Candice: He better, or else I'm going to open a can of Whoop Ass!

Crowd: WHOOOO!

Jerry: Then lets bring him out! Here's Sirius Black!

Crowd: BOOOO!

Sirius waves at crowd and smiles.

Jerry: Welcome back, Sirius.

Sirius: Glad to be here.

Jerry: I see you have some very mad exes…

Sirius: I don't see why they're mad at me.

Candice: Honey you better recognize! You are the daddy of all our children and you don't think you're at fault? Pu-lease!

Crowd: Whoooo!

Sirius: I have good reasons.

Jerry: Really?

Sirius: Yes. I happen to know for a fact that Candice was screwing Robbie Jacobs at the same time as me.

Crowd: Gasp!

Sirius: And Jennifer broke up with me for Nolan Grey.

Crowd: Gasp!

Sirius: And I know Olive has been messing around with Professor Militello for months. And Cindy is just a hoe, so her baby could be anyone's.

Crowd: OHHHHHHH!

Jerry: Wow, sounds like you have a good point to me!

Olive runs off stage crying.

Jerry: But we should still check the tests, just in case.

Sirius: Ok.

Jerry: When it comes to 8 week old Maria Green, you are NOT the father!

A wail is heard throughout the building.

Jerry: When it comes to 1 month old Laura Kline, you are NOT the father!

Jennifer runs off stage.

Jerry: When it comes to 3 week old Julie Jones, you are NOT the father!

Cindy says YES and does arm movement that expresses great joy.

Jerry: When it comes to 10 week old Virginia Cornwell, you are NOT the father!

Candice: What the BEEP?! Those BEEP tests are full of BEEP! That BEEP BEEP is the father of my BEEP baby! I want a BEEP refund!

Sirius jumps up and down for joy.

Crowd: WHOOOOO!

_Commercial Break_

Jerry: I'll tell you what, that was very interesting! Our next guest says that she predicts that her lover is her baby's daddy. Let's bring her out. Melissa Trelawney!

Crowd: Whooooo!

Melissa: Hello Jerry.

Jerry: Hello, and welcome. Now tell us about your problem.

Melissa: Well it was late at night and I was doing a bit of Crystal Ball gazing, when I had a revelation. I know who my child's father is! Unfortunately, he denies it.

Jerry: I love those revelations! Always catch you by surprise!

Melissa: Oh yes.

Jerry: So lets bring out your lover! Here's Severus Snape!

Crowd: Booooo!!

Severus walks out looking quite befuddled.

Jerry: Welcome back Severus!

Severus: What the hell—Oh no not Trelawney again!

Melissa: Hello Severus. (Bats eyelashes flirtatiously)

Jerry: Melissa says you're the father of her child. Is this true?

Severus: NO! I barely even talk to the stupid woman, let alone have sex with her!

Jerry: Hmmm….

Severus: She doesn't even have a child!!

Crowd: Gasp!

Melissa: Yes I do!

Severus: Who?

Melissa: Ronald Weasley.

Ron, who apparently works on the show, takes off his little speaker-phone-head-band thingies and says: What the hell are you talking about lady?! I'm not your son, I'm your student!

Melissa: Oh….

Severus: HA! I told you so, you crazy old hag!

Crowd: Whooooo!!!

_Commercial Break_

Jerry: That certainly was… different… Our last guest says that there are two possible fathers of her child. She is in love with only one, who does not know that their child might not be his. So here she is, Minerva McGonagall!

Crowd: WHOOOO!

Jerry: Nice to see you again Minerva!

Minerva: Yes it's nice to be back.

Jerry: So you have a child with two possible fathers?

Minerva: Yes, I can only pray it's one and not the other.

Jerry: Would you like to bring your lover out?

Minerva nods head sadly.

Jerry: So here he is, Albus Dumbledore!

Crowd: Whooo!!

Jerry: Welcome back, Albus!

Albus: Thank you.

Jerry: Minerva has something she needs to tell you.

Minerva: Well… (Sob)…. The baby might not be yours.

Albus: (gasp) You don't mean…

Minerva nods head sadly.

Albus: Oh dear this really is a bit of a problem.

Jerry: Would you like to bring out the other possible father?

Albus nods head sadly.

Jerry: Ok, here he is, Tom Riddle!

Crowd: Combination of "Whooo" and "Boooo!"

Jerry: This is just like a great big reunion!

Tom: Does somebody mind telling me what's going on here?

Jerry: Minerva, would you like to tell him.

Minerva: sobs

Tom: Come on Minnie, you can tell me. (Pats her back)

Minerva: Don't touch me. I just brought you on this show to say that I have a child and it may be yours!

Tom: But that's impossible…

Jerry: And why is that, Tom?

Tom: I'd rather not share that information.

Albus: What, scared Tom?

Tom: No!

Jerry: Then why don't you tell us why the child isn't yours.

Tom: (mumble-mumble-mumble)

Minerva: What was that Tom?

Tom: (whispers) I have no balls.

Minerva, Jerry, Albus and Crowd: WHAT?!

Tom: (sobs) I was born that way ok! Gosh, why is my life so horrible?!!

Tom runs off stage.

Minerva and Albus jump on each other and start messy make-out scene.

Crowd: WHOOOOOOO!!!!

_Commercial Break_

Jerry: On today's show we learned that sex is very dangerous. You should always be loyal to your partner, or there may be some major consequences. Thank you and I'll see you tomorrow!

Yay another chapter finished! I don't really like this chapter, but as long as you guys continue to not give me any suggestions they're gonna continue to be slightly boring and extremely far apart! So go review and give me a suggestion! Please?


	5. Episode 5

I know, I know, I haven't updated this in forever… just don't hurt me! I actually have two very good chappies coming up (counting this one) so I can't say that I had writers block. I guess I've just been more involved in my other stories lately. Anywho, thanks to JackieG for this chapter idea. You rock! gives JackieG cookie See what happens when ya'll are nice and creative and give me ideas!

Ch 5: Episode 5: Booty Call

Jerry Springer music in background.

Crowd: JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!

Announcer: And now, amazingly in its 3847th season… 13th season, the worst show in the history of television---- JERRY SPRINGER!

Crowd: WHOOOO!

Jerry Springer: Wow, we've been here for a while! 3, 847 seasons later….. I mean 13 seasons later, and I'm still livin'. Our topic today is mistresses. That's right, I'm talkin' about booty calls!

Crowd: Mixture of gasps and hoots.

Jerry Springer: Our first guest is extremely happy in his relationship with his fiancée. But what will his fiancée think of his secrets? Let's bring him out, here's Remus Lupin!

Crowd: BOOOO! (woot woot!)

Remus enters the stage and walks calmly to his seat.

Jerry: Hello, Remus. How are you doing today?

Remus: Could be better.

Jerry: I can understand that. So tell us your story.

Remus: Well, I really love my fiancée. She's just perfect. But, sometimes she just can't cut it, you know, in the bed. Well, one day I was at this party and my girl was out of town. I met this other chick and she was all over me. For the first time ever, I was getting more attention from a girl than my two best friends. And this lady is Hott! And I just couldn't help myself. I got as horny as a bull on Labor Day. And the next thing I know I'm shoving this girl onto a bed. But if it means keeping my fiancée, I'll dump the other one.

Jerry: That's very interesting. How long has this been going on for?

Remus: About seven months.

Jerry: I see. Are you ready to bring out your fiancée?

Remus nods head sadly.

Jerry: Here she is: Nym… (to producer: how do you pronounce this?--- Oh, I see…) Nymphadora Tonks!

Crowd: WHOOO!

Tonks storms out looking very annoyed.

Jerry: Hello Nym-

Tonks: Please don't try to say that horrible name again; it's Tonks.

Jerry: (looking quite relieved) Oh, hello Tonks!

Tonks: Hello! I just want to say what an honor it is to be on your show.

Jerry: Oh, anytime. Do you have any idea what you're here for today?

Tonks: Well, not specifically, but I know it's not good.

Jerry: It's not. Remus, do you have anything to tell Tonks?

Remus: Well, babe, first I just want to let you know that I love you with all my heart, and no matter what happens, I still want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Crowd: Awww….

Tonks looks suspicious.

Remus: But I can't keep living with all these secrets. I'm here to tell you that for the past seven months, I've had a mistress.

Crowd: Mixture of gasps and hoots.

Tonks: (extremely large gasp) How could you! (slaps Remus)

Remus: I'm so sorry! Please forgive me! (begins to grovel)

Tonks: You BEEP! Who's the BEEP that did this to me! Tell me now!

Remus continues to grovel.

Tonks: (kicks Remus in particularly painful spot) Who the BEEP is it!

Remus: (whispers) Rita Skeeter.

Rita Skeeter walks out to many boos from the crowd.

Tonks: You BEEP!

Rita: It's not my fault that I'm beautiful!

Tonks: If you're beautiful than I'm stupid.

Rita: Way to prove a point.

Tonks: You stole my man!

Rita: It's not stealing if he goes willingly!

Tonks tackles Rita and punches her continuously.

Rita: AAARRRGGGHHHH!

Tonks: Take that, BEEP. (walks off stage)

Remus runs after Tonks.

Rita: (Bleeding profusely, stands up and fixes hair.) Jerry, do you think maybe I can get your opinion on the recent dropped ratings of your show? (pulls out quill)

_Commercial Break_

Jerry: That was pretty interesting! Let's see if our next guest can come up to par. Here she is, Hermione Granger!

Crowd: BOOO! (woot woot!)

Jerry: Welcome, Hermione. I believe we last saw you as Missy Granger?

Hermione: That's correct.

Jerry: Good to see you again. Why are you here?

Hermione: I'm dating Ronald Weasley, AKA- Lil' Ronnie, but he has no idea that I've been cheating on him.

Jerry: Do you enjoy cheating on him?

Hermione: More than I expected.

Jerry: Are you ready to tell him this?

Hermione: Yes.

Jerry: Come on out, Ron.

Crowd: WHOOO! SING!

Ron sits down beside Hermione.

Jerry: How are you doing today, Ron?

Ron: Good, I guess.

Jerry: Before we begin, let me just say that I am a huge fan of you two.

Ron: (smiles) Thanks!

Jerry: Alright, Hermione, tell him what you need to.

Hermione: I know that we've been dating for a while, and I like you, but I've been cheating on you.

Crowd: Gasps.

Ron looks at her unbelievingly.

Hermione: For a while.

Ron: How long?

Hermione: Technically, since before we started going out, so I guess really I've been cheating on them.

Ron: (getting quite angry) Them!

Hermione: (shrugs shoulders) The teachers of course.

Crowd: Mixture of gasps and hoots.

Ron stares at her unbelievingly.

Hermione: Well, mostly Flitwick, but I've had a run with Binns and a few others before.

Ron continues to stare at her unbelievingly.

Hermione: You didn't actually believe I was that smart, did you? How do you think I've been getting all these high grades?

Ron:….. That is so bloody hot! (wraps Hermione up in his arms and kisses her)

Flitwick walks out looking flustered.

Crowd: Whispers confusedly.

Flitwick: Now, say here, I didn't apparate here for nothing; I want to be on this show! And what's this about you just using me for grades, Hermione? You said you loved me!

Hermione ignores Flitwick and continues kissing Ron.

Flitwick: And what about Binns? Hermione? Hermione!

_Commercial Break_

Jerry: That certainly was different! Definitely not what I expected. Let's go ahead and bring out our next guest, shall we? Here he is, Neville Longbottom!

Crowd: BOOO! (woot woot!)

Neville walks out and takes seat.

Jerry: Welcome to Jerry Springer, Neville!

Neville: Thanks for having me.

Jerry: Anytime. Tell us what you're here for Neville.

Neville: The same thing everyone else is here for. I want to tell my girlfriend that I have a booty call.

Jerry looks at Neville suspiciously.

Neville: What?

Jerry: It's just... well you don't really look like the kind of person that would have a booty call, Neville.

Neville: My girlfriend just wasn't cutting it!

Jerry: Right Neville.

Neville: I swear!

Jerry: Well, Neville, if you say so, I guess I'll believe you.

Neville: Thank you!

Jerry: Sure, Neville.

Neville: (looks annoyed) Do you really have to say my name in every sentence?

Jerry: Not really, Neville. I just like saying Neville.

Neville: (looks confused) Alright.

Jerry: Are you ready to bring out your girlfriend then?

Neville: (looks nervous) I guess.

Jerry: Here she is, Lavender Brown!

Crowd: WHOOO!

Lavender sits down beside Neville.

Jerry: Welcome, Lavender!

Lavender nods head.

Jerry: I can see you're nervous. Maybe we should go ahead and get this over with?

Lavender nods head again.

Neville: Umm… well… you see… I kind of have a booty call.

Lavender: A what!

Neville: You know, kind of like a mistress—

Lavender: I know what a booty call is! You are such a whore! Who is it?

Neville: Parvati Patil.

Parvati enters stage dressed in tight leather and accompanied by a whip and hand cuffs.

Lavender: I thought we were friends!

Parvati: It was obvious you weren't taking care of your boyfriend's sexual talents, so I did.

Lavender: You hoe!

Parvati: I prefer hussy, to tell you the truth. And don't feel bad, honey. Your boyfriend isn't the only one that's felt the wrath of my whip.

Lavender and Neville stare at her in astonishment.

Parvati: That's right, I'm a sex goddess! (beats chest like an ape)

Crowd: WHOOO!

Neville: Lavender, I'm sorry! Please forgive me!

Lavender: Do you know how many sexually transmitted diseases you probably have? No way!

Parvati: I'm completely clean, thank you very much!

Lavender: Eww! I'm sure you aren't! And I bet you're horrible in bed!

Parvati: You are so wrong! I am The Sex Goddess!

Lavender: You are pretty hot in that leather.

Parvati: Thanks.

Lavender: Anytime. You wouldn't happen to be a gay hussy, would you?

Parvati: I go both ways.

Lavender: Cool. Wanna make out?

Parvati: I'll do what ever you want! (winks)

Neville: Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to be getting all the action!

Lavender and Parvati begin making out.

Neville: How about a three-some?

Jerry: Did we get that on film? That should increase our viewings by at least 10!

_Commercial Break_

Jerry: Now it's time for our audience responses! How about those two, in the back.

Sirius and James stand up.

Sirius: Well done Moony!

James: We just want to say sorry to Remus.

Sirius: Sorry, what for? He's getting more ass than us!

James: Because he feels excluded.

Sirius: To tell you the truth I'm feeling a little excluded from all the action!

James: Anyways, we're sorry Remus.

Sirius: Good job is more like it!

Remus: Thanks you guys! I appreciate it!

Jerry: And how about that woman right there.

Random Woman: I'm a better booty call than all those women up there! (flashes cameras)

Steve gives random woman beads.

Jerry: Thank you! Now let's hear from that man on the third row. Yeah, him.

Random Man: I was wondering if maybe the hussy could give me some. (waves money)

Parvati shrugs shoulder and starts making out with Random Man.

Jerry: Umm… Should we interrupt?... Well lets go to the next person while we wait! How about him?

Random Man Number 2: (in country accent) I have come here to exorcise this building and all within it. The evil spirits are apparent in all of you!

Jerry: No thank you, we are perfectly non-evil.

Random Man Number 2: (holds up Bible) It is not the will of the Bible! You are all cursed! (jumps on Jerry and begins sprinkling him with Holy Water while singing the Itsy-Bitsy-Spider)

Steve removes Random Man Number 2 and shoves him out the door.

Jerry: (pats hair self consciously) Well, I guess the lesson of today's show is to never make a Christian person angry! Oh, and booty calls are bad. Most of the time. See you tomorrow!

I took a bit of a chance with some of the things in this chapter, so I hope you liked it! Please let me know! Yes, that is code from please review!


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